Here's how you know that the Guadalupe River tourist season in Comal County is just around the corner: the local powers-that-be are contemplating another series of inane (insane?) ordinances to combat those "rowdy tubers." First they took away your cooler. Then they took away your parking spot. Now they want to take away your toilet. Many summer tourists to New Braunfels like to rent vacation houses for the weekend.
Unfortunately, some of these folks vacation a little too loud for the homeowners residing nearby. But rather than simply calling the cops when the vacationers get too loud, or dealing with rental owners who allow their properties to become a nuisance, Comal County is considering flushing away the problem of loud vacation rentals by pulling the chain on their septic permits. Under one proposal being considered, homes used as vacation rentals would be required to have septic system capacity far in excess of what is usually required for a residence, even though there is absolutely no evidence that vacation rentals now have inadequate septic systems. Since expanding the size of the septic systems would be prohibitively expensive for many owners, they would no longer be able to afford to rent the houses to tourists.
Once again, instead of using statutes and ordinances that are already on the books, and that are specifically designed to solve the problem (such as the Disorderly Conduct statute, which prohibits unreasonable noise near a private residence), the County is now poised to go after perfectly innocent owners, whose rental houses aren't causing any problems, in the name of rooting out those "rowdy tubers" at the few houses that are. As expected, this proposal is not passing smoothly, being considered irregular by many. In fact, a spirited pissing match is expected at the next public hearing on the matter. Here's hoping that this bad idea becomes clogged as it tries to snake its way through the system. May the toilets in Comal County continue to flow as free as the rivers.
If you are going through the criminal justice system, you should learn some of the lingo. Some words and phrases for the day: CATCH A CHAIN: Getting transported to prison. PAPER READY: A defendant's felony case is completed, and he is ready to be transported to prison. GETTING PSYCHED: For most of the world, getting excited, enthused, or mentally prepared. In the criminal justice system, submitting to a psychological evaluation to determine if you are mentally competent to stand trial.
TWO BRAIN CELLS SHY OF A COMPETENCY HEARING: Crazy. Okay, this one's not common, but I heard it recently and liked it. ROCKET DOCKET: In some counties, a regularly-scheduled court docket on which a court tries to cram an unusually large number of cases through the system in a single day. In other counties, a case calendar that make cases go from zero to jury trial setting in under sixty seconds. RESET: Normal people reschedule. Criminal lawyers reset. WARRANT ROUND-UP. The Sheriff and County Attorney are up for reelection, so it's time to arrest a few truckloads full of people on ten year old Class C misdemeanors.
1. KNOW THE DIFFERENT RULES FOR THE DIFFERENT RIVERS
Many tubers get confused because they assume that the rules and ordinances for the Guadalupe and Comal Rivers are the same. They aren't. The Guadalupe River above Gruene is regulated by the WORD (Water-Oriented Recreation District). The Guadalupe River below Gruene, and the Comal River, are within the City of New Braunfels and are subject to city ordinances. Check with your outfitter to find out which special rules apply to the place where you will be tubing.
2. ASSUME YOU ARE BEING WATCHED ON THE RIVER
Just because you don't see someone in uniform, don't assume that you aren't being watched by law enforcement . Many tubers don't realize that local law enforcement often employs plain-clothes "spotters" along the river -- people with binoculars and communication devices -- who watch for violations of the law and report them to uniformed officers downstream. Recently, local police agencies have started to put undercover cops in the rivers posing as tourists.
3. DON'T TAKE GLASS OR STYROFOAM ON THE RIVER
Many people who get arrested were initially detained for a relatively minor infraction -- taking glass or styrofoam on the river. Once detained, you may wind up being arrested if some more serious offense is discovered. Glass and styrofoam containers are banned on both the Guadalupe and Comal. Go green this Memorial Day and decrease the odds of going to jail.
4. HAVE A DESIGNATED TUBER (AND WEAR A LIFE JACKET)
During a typical Memorial Day Weekend, many people are arrested for Public Intoxication. In Texas, however, Public Intoxication does not simply mean that you are intoxicated in a public place. Rather, it means you are intoxicated in a public place in circumstances where you might pose a danger to yourself or others. When cops arrest someone for Public Intoxication near one of the rivers, the main concerns are that the person will flip his tube and drown or that the person will get out of the river and drive a vehicle. As a practical matter, though, cops often will not arrest an intoxicated person if the person is with someone who is sober, someone who can drive and look out for the intoxicated friend or relative. Every group of tubers should have a "designated tuber" -- someone who is not drinking who can drive home and look out for others in the group while on the river. And everyone should be wearing a life jacket while on the water.
5. IF TUBING THE COMAL, PICK UP A REGULATION-SIZED COOLER ON THE WAY INTO TOWN
Alcohol is legal on the Comal River. The City of New Braunfels, however, tries to indirectly limit the amount of alcohol a person can consume by limiting the size of coolers allowed on the river. Almost all of the convenience stores in New Braunfels sell coolers that are deemed acceptable on the Comal River. Buy one and avoid a cooler citation, as well as an unwanted contact with law enforcement.
6. KNOW THAT CAMPGROUNDS ARE PUBLIC PLACES
Just because you rent a spot on which to pitch your tent at night, you don't "own" it. Campgrounds are considered public places, and you should expect people to be roaming around your camp site -- including the police. Some campgrounds near the river are routinely patrolled by law enforcement and private security guards. It always amazes me the illegal items that people leave out in plain view at their camp site -- on picnic tables, on the front seats of their vehicles, on their laps. While camping, put away anything that you don't want the rest of the world to see.
7. DON'T LET MINORS STORE ALCOHOL IN YOUR COOLER
Furnishing alcohol to minors is illegal. Every year, we have several clients who get arrested under the following scenario: Someone who is over 21 years old goes to the river with his friends or relatives, some of whom are minors. This person supplies the cooler for everyone's food and drinks. The minors place a six-pack of beer in the cooler. While on the river, a cop spots one of the minors grabbing a beer from the cooler. The cop then proceeds to find out who owns the cooler. Once the owner is identified, he's arrested for Furnishing Alcohol to a Minor. Now technically, the owner of the cooler is not guilty of providing the alcohol to the minors. But he's getting a complimentary ride to jail, anyway, because the cop assumes he supplied all of the items in the cooler. Don't let anyone put anything in your cooler for which you don't want to be held responsible.
8. DON'T BE RUDE AND DON'T FAIL THE ATTITUDE TEST WITH COPS
Any criminal defense lawyer will tell you that main secret to not getting arrested is to fly under the radar and not draw attention from law enforcement. If you are rude to other tubers, they are more likely to point you out to a cop. And once detained, never, ever be confrontational or disrespectful to the cop, even if think that the cop is wrong or behaving rudely. When you annoy and irritate a cop, you are more likely to catch a ride to jail. Cops are human. Cops don't enjoy spending Memorial Day working 12 hour shifts on the river. Anger an overworked cop on the river at your peril. Manners go a long way.
9. STAY OFF OF PRIVATE LAND
Many stretches of both the Guadalupe and Comal Rivers are bordered by private land. If you get out of your tube onto private property, you may be reported for Criminal Trespass. This especially goes for Pruess Heights Cliff (which some tubers like to jump off of). If you need to get out of your tube, make sure you are getting out somewhere that has public access. Never climb onto a private deck, dock, or pier.
10. NEVER CONSENT TO A SEARCH
If a cop already has probable cause to believe you possess illegal drugs or some other contraband, he doesn't need your consent to search the place where he believes the item may be located. If he asks for consent, it usually means two things: either he doesn't have have probable cause to search and he wants your permission to go on a fishing expedition, or he is covering his tail in case the reason for the search is later found to be lacking. I bring this up because, over the past few years, we have had several clients who claimed they were stopped by cops at illegal checkpoints on the river. Typically, the client would say that a cop ordered him out of the river in order to search his belongs for glass or styrofoam. Checkpoints are illegal in Texas except under very limited circumstances (they are definitely illegal on the rivers). Don't risk converting an illegal search into a legal one by consenting to it.
(BONUS) 11. DON'T LOOK LIKE A TOURIST (SO MUCH)
Put away the Houston Rockets T-Shirt when visiting the rivers. Human nature being what it is, some people unfairly brand others with stereotypes. There is a faction of people in Comal County who view tourists as a nuisance to be eradicated. If you advertise that you are from out-of-town, you are more likely to be viewed as one of those "rowdy tubers" from Dallas or Houston. You are more likely to be complained about to, and draw the attention of, law enforcement. Help out your outfitter by buying one of those "The Living is Good in New Braunfels" T-Shirts and tube like a local.
(BONUS) 12. BE SAFE
As always, have fun, but not too much. Live to be a ripe old age so that you can pay attorney's fees for your grandchildren after they get a citation on the Guadalupe or Comal Rivers.